saphyria: (That... is a secret.)
[personal profile] saphyria
Real-time commentary! For the first half, at least.


Dramatic narration! Hi there, Anthony Hopkins.

Vlad does not realize how much that armor makes him look like a lobster. And that dramatic-silhouetted-on-red battle? Looks giggle-inducing hilarious. The Wilhelm Scream didn't help, of course. ^__^

Dear 1992 Keanu Reeves: Over-enunciation and stilted acting do not an Englishman make.

Oh lord his accent is so superbly Dracula. The movie even pulls it off with only a moment of "omg cliche!"

And no, he does not drink........................... wine.

Heee. Dracula's shadow never quite matches his movements. *giggles* Ahah! And the teleportation where his shadow doesn't move with him at all. Nice. Hell, the shadowplay in this movie is everywhere and well done, always just this side of too much.

"Forgive my curiosity, Count, but why ten such locations with such precision around London?" ...My first thought was that Vlad would turn out to be a James Bond villain.

Lucy is hilarious (*coughcoughHORcough*), but isn't convincing. Like, at all. Mina's actress would make a good Sabriel. (*later imdb's* Hey! Winona Ryder!)

Personal space seems to have been a concept not yet invented in Vlad's time.

...Harker apparently has no survival instinct to speak of, because he has Dracula behind him, helping him shave his neck.

Keanu just sounds like he has a cold, trying to do an angry English accent.

Oh, this movie. It hits all the high points and memorable lines. (Dracula: "Ah, the children of the night, what sweet music they make." Keanu!Harker: "WTF, Crazy Gary Oldman! AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SPIDERMANNING UP MY WALL?!")

Okay, the fact that Dracula shuts the door behind him before his shadow gets out of the room shouldn't make me think of Peter Pan. SOMEONE GET THE SOAP.

...Rats are scurrying along the underside of the steel truss bridge holding up the castle's ceiling.

In all seriousness, customs at the Transylvanian border must've confiscated Jonathan Harker's survival instincts.

Keanu!Harker: LADY WITH NO SHIRT TOUCHES MY KNEECAPS! MY REPRESSED 19th CENTURY SELF CANNOT HANDLE THIS PASSION!

Ignoring all the bland "passion," why are their lateral incisors sharp and not their canines?

So Dracula barges in, angry that his brides're sexing up Harker, who "belongs to" him. Apparently. Harker wonders if Dracula is going to sex him up too. Why do Dracula's brides act like puppies?

And Harker flips his shit at the baby. Really amusingly, too, since it's Keanu (and since Dracula's evil laughter is amazingly infectious).

This movie didn't need any more Lucy. She's annoying.

Also yes, this is completely accurate. In rainstorms, young ladies in expensive (and rather sheer) dresses always giggle and flounce about in the gardens getting completely soaked while cameras swirl dizzily with them. (On the off-chance a vampire might be watching them, of course.) And then they kiss, causing the London Zoo's collection of monkeys and wolves and iguanas to go completely insane.

Dracula is also a werewolf. The peace treaty is signed, forever ending the war between the vampires and the lycans.

Dude. Ow. Mina, wear a bra when you're running down stairs. OW.

*cackles* Dear lord, Lucy's scarlet diaphanous accordion dress. I can just see that thing hanging in her closet with her every-day clothes. While Mina tries to find her, wearing a couple of silk sheets she happened to pick up on the way out the door.

"Lucy! Lucy, you're dreaming! You totally didn't just enthusiastically bump genitalia with a wolfman on top of a tomb!" (late 19th century England was SO INTERESTING, man.)

MINA. BRA. PLEASE. OW.

Personally, were I Dracula, I'd have killed Renfield just to shut him up.

The muted, old-fashioned style of the scenes where Dracula is walking the streets of London is actually really cool. Mina's tiny tophat, however, is ridonkulous. Her immediate dismissal of Dracula upon meeting him, again however, redeems her somewhat.

Then she goes and screws it up.

PERSONAL SPACE, VLAD.

...His canines are the ones that elongate for him, while is brides' lateral incisors are elongated...

Oh Harker. "...these may be the last words I write. Dracula has left me with these devil women... I'm totally not enjoying myself...." >_>

Oh, hey! Anthony Hopkins. Hi, Anthony Hopkins! Awesome.

NOT YOU TOO, HOPKINS. PERSONAL SPACE. AUGH.

Okay. Second half of the movie to come later. Now I sleep.

Date: 2010-01-04 09:26 am (UTC)
adiva_calandia: (Merry Fucking Christmas)
From: [personal profile] adiva_calandia
NOT YOU TOO, HOPKINS. PERSONAL SPACE. AUGH.

EVERYONE CREEPS ON MINA. I mean yeah, Lucy has three different guys after her (Cary Elwes! *swoon*) but they're all, like, gentlemanly about it. And poor Mina has EVERYONE IN HER PERSONAL SPACE.

Date: 2010-01-04 02:50 pm (UTC)
skygiants: Princess Tutu, facing darkness with a green light in the distance (hahaha!)
From: [personal profile] skygiants
ohhhhhhhhh this movie

OH THIS MOVIE

is, I think, all I have to say

(I wrote a paper about it! A HILARIOUS paper!)

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